Things Meaning
What happens, happens to all of us. The meaning we give it is what is different.
It’s not what happens that determines our life, it’s what we do with it.
Two twins grew up in a family who struggled financially, with an alcoholic and abusive father. One of the brothers ended up in the father’s footsteps; alcoholic, abusive and broke. The other brother became a successful businessman, a loving father and never drank a single drop of alcohol in his life.
When asked: “How come you ended up where you are today?” They both had the same answer:
Because of where I came from.
You see, it’s not what happens, but what we do with it that forms our lives. Nothing has any meaning except the meaning that you give it. You get to decide if you are to give it an inspiring or expiring meaning.
Take the pandemic and the changes that have come with it for example. Is your focus on the abundance and all the positive things that it has brought, such as working from home, no commute, more available time and more flexibility? Or is your focal point on what’s lacking and the negative side, like the difficulties, people dying, loss of autonomy, more regulations?
Is the glass half full or half empty?
Every situation has more than one perspective. On days when you feel stuck and feel like you can’t find a solution, see if you can view things from a new perspective. Maybe the perspective of a neutral party, a child’s perspective, an older wiser relative or even the perspective of your pet (if you have one). When you start to zoom out from your own subjective way of looking at things you invite new solutions into the equation.
When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.
Rather than being disappointed and beating yourself up over something that did not turn out the way you wished it did. Ask yourself what you can learn from it, a skill you now have to be better prepared if a similar situation occurs again.
Get curious and reflect on:
The part that you played in the situation being triggered from the beginning?
Which of your behaviour would need to change in order for this to not happen again?
What story are you telling yourself?
I used to tell myself the story that it was my ex partner’s fault that we separated. That I had nothing to do with the breakup, I had done everything that I could to make our relationship great and that he was the one to blame.
The meaning I made up was that I was a victim and my ex partner was the one who had done everything wrong. I was angry that he left me with no choice other than to end our relationship.
First a year after our breakup did I slowly start to play with the question: What part did I play for things to end up this way? What could I have done differently? Was I part of the reason for this breakup?
There was a lack of clear communication and persistence from my end on the things that were important for me. This was communicated at one point, but the response was not what I expected. Instead of trying to explain my point of view in a different way for my partner to understand, I quickly jumped to the conclusion that it was easier to dismiss my own desire and to focus on what was important for my partner.
This lead to less arguments, at least short term, but I knew that I was sliding further and further away from my core values, from the things that was truly my fire and motivation in life. At the end I felt like I was playing the role of the person I thought my partner wanted me to be rather than being who I really was. I did not recognise the person I had become. I was insecure, scared, and was doubting my own capability. I was putting the blame on my partner, saying it was he who changed me. But the truth was that we can not change anyone but ourselves. It was me who changed me. Not him.
When we blame others for our misfortune in life, we become resentful. When we on the other hand take full responsibility for what happens to us we become empowered to be the solution.
They say that the day you accept full responsibility for your own actions and no actions is the day you step into adulthood.
It took me 2 years to take responsibility for what happened in my previous relationship. When I reflect back on what I learned and what knowledge I bring with me, the first thing that springs to mind is the importance of painting the picture of success. Neither you or your partner are mind readers, so if you don’t explicitly express what’s on your mind and what your expectations are it’s going to be very difficult for your partner to fulfil them.
Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.
Guide your partner on the journey of being the best partner for you and ask your partner to do the same thing. I believe that we all strive to perform at our best, that we are doing what we can with the limited information we have at hand. If you apply this meaning to any given situation and take full responsibility for when things don’t turn out the way you planned. You might realise that you did not do a very good job when you described the picture of success initially, give yourself a second chance and repaint the picture this time more vibrant and full of colours than before.
Help others to help you.
